For many years I wanted a Father who loved me. My Father abused me and then abandond me and my God Father well he was a pervert who loved to abuse in one form or another. His favorite was is too graphic and too sick to even write on this blog.
As a child I would daydream Mom would get married and I would have a step-father who loved me. I did that for so many years. I think I even did that into my teen years.
My Dad would call drunk swaring at me. He see me and he abused me. He even thought my Mom was brainwashing me which was totally wrong. The last time I talked to him I didn't want to see him. The thing is I said we where going to Green Bay for the weekend so he got mad hung up and I didn't talk to him until I was 12 years old and after that call not a call for many years.
I wouldn't talk to him again until I was about 21. I thought he would be the Father he wasn't as a child. It didn't last. I wanted himto tell the truth about what he did to me. He didn't and for me wanting the truth I am now not able to see my sister Ryann, and my Brother Shane. I cry some nights because I miss them so much and I'm sad I can't see them grow up. The last time I seen Ryann She was 4 years old and when I see Shane last he was just born. I love them with all my heart.
I also cry about something else. I use to cry over the Father I never had. So much that if I seen a father die on TV I would cry and cry and cry.
My God Father is my uncle. He is suppost to guide me spiritually but all he loved to do is abuse me. It was him and my two cousins abused me.
If Mom would have left with me we would have been homeless and she swore a promise to her Mother that she would have taken care of her brother, my uncle and her sister, my aunt. That made it hard on her. She did the best she could to protect me but it wasn't a full proof plan. She was even being abused way into her adulthood by her brother. She felt powerless over the family and the family secret and the family abuse. She even thinks today she wasn't a good mother when she was. I love her very much. We are so close we are more like friends.
Back to the subject. I use to hate father's day because I had to buy my God Father a gift and a card. I couldn't get out of it. The more years went by and the more abuse happened I hated it even more.
We (me and my Mom) got kicked out of the family. After so many years of mental illnesses addictions and eating disorders and suicide attemps I felt so empty. Mom was praying and praying for me to come to know God.
I went to a class at our new chruch. The lady and Mom helped me find God. A little later I realized that GOD IS MY FATHER!!!! I don't have to look anymore!!!! He is right there with me all the time!!!
Then I relized something else. Through those hard times I have a feeling he gave me so many hugs thoughout the years. I can't wait to get to heaven to actually give God, my Abba, My Fatehr a hug.
Now I don't dread Father's Day so much because I have a Father to celebrate who LOVES ME and who will NEVER ABUSE ME. I praise God for that fact.
You might think you do not have a father BUT YOU DO!!! He loves you and believes in you even if you don't believe in him or not. Come to know God. Pray this prayer:
Lord I am a sinner. You died for me on the cross. I deadicate my life to you. I know I am a new creation now. I know now I have a Father who loves me, who will never abuse me and will never leave me. Thank you for Jesus dying on the cross. I confess and turn away from my sins so I can be with you forever in heaven. In Jesus Name, AMEN!!!!
